Physical – The first and one of the most significant changes I have experienced so far on hormones is breast growth. I started my journey with a completely flat chest, 31-inch bust, and 31 underbust. After one year, I have managed to grow about a full A or small B cup, 33-inch bust, and 31 underbust. Having breasts has completely changed how I see my body. Seeing older pictures of myself without a shirt on looks incredibly foreign while seeing my chest now feels completely natural. For some, wearing a bra might feel like a chore, but for me to have to wear a bra or have a reason to wear a bra feels fantastic and invigorating.
I have always been a skinny person, 5’11 125 pounds. However, at the start of my transition I lost another 10 pounds, which was extremely unhealthy. Slowly gaining back weight while on estrogen resulted in my fat distributing to more feminine places, such as my chest and hips. During my first year on hormones, I attribute my considerable breast growth to gaining weight while on estrogen.
Speaking of fat distribution, my hips have also experienced significant changes while on estrogen. Before estrogen, I did have somewhat of a figure. However, after a year of estrogen, my hips have increased 4 inches, from 31 inches to 35. Not only that, but I am continuously filling out in more feminine areas such as my butt and my thighs. Even though I started HRT young enough to have possible changes in bone structures, I do not think that was why I was able to achieve a 4-inch difference in my hips. I would attribute that to gaining weight back while on estrogen.
I have experienced other positives, not necessarily the changes that I saw but those I did not see. For example, when it came to my first male puberty, I was a late bloomer, experiencing it around 14 or 15. It would have been possible for me to get another spurt of height or further vocal dropping in my late teens or early twenties. However, starting estrogen when I was 18 stopped those potential outcomes. I have no way to prove if any of those things would happen or not; still, it significantly reduces my anxiety to not have to worry about it.
In my past, I have had a continuously strenuous time clearing up my skin. My cystic ance forced me to be on the most extreme acne medication, Accutane, at the highest dosage for almost a year in total. For these reasons, I heavily value having clear skin and do my best to take care of my skin. Being on estrogen has made my skin increasingly clear, softer, and vibrant. Not only that, but fat redistribution has made my facial complexion look much fuller and healthier.
Post orchiectomy, I saw drastic amounts of feminization in a short period. My testosterone before my orchiectomy was never in the range it needed to be. My body is no longer naturally produces significant testosterone, giving my estrogen freedom not to fight testosterone at the binding sites. I saw better feminization in the two months after my orchiectomy than it did eight months before it.
I have also noticed minor changes, such as body hair thinning and decreased muscle mass. In the case of body hair, it is difficult for me to understand how much estrogen did since I started laser hair removal shortly after starting HRT.
Emotional – Currently, this is the most I have been in touch with and truthful with my emotions. I have experienced my most consistent and healthiest mental state while on HRT. I now uniformly feel a more comprehensive range and depth of my emotions, both of which are welcome changes.
I have had trouble understanding what I was feeling and how to deal with it in the past. Throughout my time on estrogen, I have begun to feel more in touch with how I am supposed to feel, and I can now be truthful with myself and others. I no longer feel the need to lie about what I feel for others to see me as more feminine or if what I am feeling is feminine enough. Being on estrogen has alleviated that anxiety for me. Not only that, but I feel as if I laugh harder, am more enjoyable to be around, and hold myself in a higher light than I did before HRT.
To continue, the feeling of being stuck or not doing enough for my transition has plagued me for the time before HRT. Knowing what you want and how to get it but having to wait for it can be an infuriating and frustrating feeling. Once I received hormones and started seeing progress on them, the frustrations went away. Every day now, I am making progress with myself; every estrogen pill that I take moves me one step close to where I want to be.
Before my orchiectomy, I had extreme fears and anxiety over my testosterone levels. Even though I was taking anti-androgens, my fear of my testosterone levels being too high or HRT not working well enough was persistent. Post orchiectomy, my concern regarding my testosterone levels have vanished. My body no longer naturally produces significant testosterone amounts, only ten ng/dL, which is lower than the majority of cis women. Furthermore, not having to be on an anti-androgen has made me feel significantly better. For me, my orchiectomy has been an incredibly important step in my transition thus far. I have absolutely no regrets about it and am ecstatic about the outcomes that it has generated.
In short, my emotions have drastically changed while on HRT. I feel more truthful, honest, and more in line with how I am indeed supposed to feel. Not only that, but I am in the best mental place that I have ever been and now see a future with myself, thanks to HRT.
Mental – HRT was the pathway for me to live a happy and fulfilling life. My dysphoria, anxiety, depression, and disassociating have all gotten significantly better. Dysphoria now is much more specific and pinpointed than it was before. Rather than my entire body feeling wrong or bringing me distress, it is only certain aspects of my body. Dysphoria is still an enormous mental weight for me, even though it is better than before.
Dysphoria for me came in waves, going from being mild to full-on suicidal in short periods. Mood swings were brutal and part of the reason why my dysphoria was so severe. Being on HRT has helped me maintain a stable mental state; even though my mood swings are still present, they last significantly shorter and are less distressing.
My Anxiety, while still being present, has improved significantly. I now feel that I am making progress and going in the right direction to be happy.
The first eight months on HRT for me were dreadful. Going to a doctor whose job is to help you feel better, misunderstanding my testosterone levels, and causing them to increase is something that I would not wish on my worst enemy. My dysphoria got significantly worse as my testosterone levels quadrupled. Now that my hormones levels are where they need to be, the paranoia that existed before vanished.
Sexuality – Similar to physical and mental changes, my sexuality has drastically changed while on hormones. For starters, I am now straight. Before hormones, I considered myself to be pansexual, sexual attraction regardless of gender. After a few months on hormones, I started heavily leaning towards being attracted to men. After a year on hormones, I now fully considered myself straight. What I find attractive in people has also altered. I care much more about a more profound connection rather than anything physical.
Furthermore, my libido in particular, has experienced drastic changes. My sexual motivation is considerably less now that I am on estrogen, decreasing again after my orchiectomy. To achieve an orgasm, it takes significantly more time and focus than before hormones. Not only that, but my ability to get erections has decreased exponentially. I no longer have to worry about random erections or morning wood. Both of which significantly help with my genital dysphoria
To finish, HRT has been an instrumental part of my life and my journey of mental health. My life has changed drastically since starting hormones. I feel more comfortable with myself every day, and the amount of progress that I am making brings me solace.
Leave a Reply